Chapter 33

Chapter Rating: PG

6 months and 17 days.

It had gone by at such an incredibly slow pace that it seemed like an eternity –  the 'lifetime ago' in which Natalia had made yet another life-altering decision. A span of time that, when juxtaposed with the seventeen years that she had been trying to make up for, seemed like just a pebble on the beach. It was meant to be her stepping stone to help her up from rock bottom. It wasn't expected to be a cure-all. She knew that 6 months and 17 days of 'rights' could not even come close to correcting the habitual pattern of doing 'wrong after wrong after wrong after...' But what she had hoped for in that small span of time was that she would have learned something about self-worth, her own and that of others. Maybe she could have settled comfortably in a new way of seeing her world. Possibly even creating a new one for herself. Not as one that was spinning out of control, but one which she had her fingertips placed firmly on the Arctic Circle, and was turning at the rate of perfect alignment. Before making it to 6 months and 18 days, she had taken that new world and moved it a few hundred feet towards the sun.

Natalia sat in a window seat in her room. Deep inner contemplation was something that she had been rapidly getting used to these past few months, but now all she wanted to do was get out of her own head. Not by obsessing about work or filling up her agenda to avoid time to reflect. Nor by using alcohol and pills or sleeping with random men in the hope that she could lesson one pain by causing another. No, she wanted to be completely out of her mind. She wanted selective amnesia. Or non-fatal delirium. She wanted to be one of those innocent bystanders from 'Body Snatchers'. Or the boy with the car that sent people back into the past. She had never before believed in time travel but right about now, if she were to happen upon a science geek in his garage making a contraption for just such a thing out of Dixie cups and chicken wiring, she would be likely to fund his project.

Natalia couldn't understand why she would have let things get so out of control. She had walked away before from many an argument with Olivia, even resisted temptation and desire for her as well. But what she had just done combined both her anger towards Olivia and her desire for her and twisted the two together. A destructive combination that had more than likely killed any chance of the two of them being able to co-exist anywhere near each other ever again.

Her mind seemed to have taken her eyes hostage, and everywhere she looked all she could see was the replay of her 'activities' that had taken place 10 hours ago. She had gone through it at least 875 times since Olivia had left her office this morning, and it was a scene that left both her conscience torn and her body aching.

The fact that the latter was even occurring, given the hideous way she had ended their tryst, left Natalia considering that perhaps she had actually only spent the past 6 months writing her internal memoirs of her past deeds – a 'Go-To' manual of which she could just rip a page out of to use on the next unsuspecting soul that tried to get to close to the empty place where her heart should have been.

She had learned nothing about mutual respect and was certainly practicing that lesson very well.

And now here she was, feeling soulless for remembering the way Olivia's body had moved and the sound of her moans when she came, and loving every second of those flashbacks. What made her feel even guiltier was the knowledge that she did indeed have a soul. Somewhere underneath all the pain and denial was the one thing Natalia had wanted to find, and she was just not really doing a bang-up job with the search efforts.

She picked her head up off the table and sat back in her chair. Her eyes moving instinctively towards her door.

Forget about it! There is NO possible way she will see you tonight. Natalia knew her mind was making perfect sense, but something else inside of her was hoping that it was wrong.

What will you even say to her? "Hi there, Spencer, how was your day... Sorry about the drive-by 'Diddle and Ditch'."

Of the actual act, Natalia was certain that Olivia had been a completely willing participant in the game that both women knew was being played. She also understood that on a level somewhere beneath their continual quest for dominance, both women had needed what had happened between them this morning. And the one shiny fact that was glowing amidst all the dank darkness around them was of what Olivia had given her in that moment. What she had offered up for both of their sakes.

Natalia found herself to be truly grateful that Olivia had relinquished all of her control. She considered it to be something powerful that had been shared. Wanted now to express to Olivia that she knew what a sacrifice it must have been to allow herself to be in that position.

So how do you say thank you after you all but toss her up like a cheap trick? How on earth do you make that believable? You CAN'T and the idea of even attempting to is absurd! she said to herself even as she moved towards her door. She had thought about listening to her own brain but remembered that the most-honest moments in all of their acquaintance had taken place in the 'unplanned and uncensored' stage.

What she would say might come to her or it might not. For the time being she was content to allow herself to be led out into the hallway, directly in front of Olivia's door.

She knocked softly and waited a second. A soft knock without an answer sometimes eases the conscience because, technically, you can still always say that you tried.

Instead of listening to her nerves she knocked again. This time more loudly. She heard Olivia's voice as she called to Emma and her stomach flipped. Not knowing what was about to greet her. She hadn't too long to wonder and worry as the door opened, and she was now face to face with the woman with whom she now felt both a hell of a lot closer while still being so far apart.

The younger woman had no desire to look into Olivia's eyes. She felt almost unworthy now, but she knew that if she was going to end up apologizing, she should try not to do it to the ground. She owed Olivia that much.

When their eyes met it was such a powerful moment that neither woman really knew how to respond to it. The way they looked at each other was very similar, but the way they saw each other had definitely changed. In that new awareness both could now also detect the glimmer of something else. Something that looked like regret.

No… It looked more like disappointment.

"I'd ask how I can help you, but there clearly hasn't been a psychiatrist who has been able to do that yet so I don't suppose I should bother giving it a try," was Olivia's first snarly words.

"I deserved that."

"Did you come here to be given what you 'deserve'? Or to try and get a little more of what you don't?"

Natalia sighed, "I came to talk to you."

"About what?"

"As if, Spencer."

"There really isn't anything more to say, is there? You wanted to make a point, and you found a particularly effective way to get it across. Why aren't you applauding yourself right now?" Olivia's tone cut just as deep as her glare.

"Because I left my self-righteous vindication in my office."

Olivia narrowed her eyes, "No, actually, I believe you left it on my shirt."

Natalia closed her eyes and bowed her head. It was a clear sign of regret that Olivia was not about to let take the place of a formal apology.

"Did you want it back? Is that why you are here? I can go and get it for you if you would like..."

"Spencer…"

"Go to hell, Rivera! I don't want to hear it!" Olivia turned back into her room and slammed the door in Natalia's face. Almost as soon as the door had shut on her, Natalia was back in front of it, knocking persistently. Olivia flung it open.

"What one earth could you possibly have to say, Natalia!?"

"If you'll stop slamming the door you will find out!"

"Gee, gimme a minute to think about it... Ummmm..." Immediately, Olivia once again shut the door even more forcefully than before.

Natalia stepped back until she was against her own door. She leaned on it and placed her palms against the cool surface. She had expected a confrontation but for some reason she knew she needed to push past it. She was aware that she couldn't settle everything that was happening between them; despite clearing the air over what had happened, there was still going to be the reasons for why she did it the first place. She would press on regardless.

She looked at her watch. We may not be able to do 'Forgive and Forget', but I have to at least make her see that I am sorry. She waited a few more seconds and moved forward once more.

She knocked, and waited for the angry woman on the other side. The door flew open with an immediate "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Rivera?" mixed in with the whoosh of air.

Nat raised her hand in front of her. "You said 'a minute'. I would have been more than happy to give you more time but that's all you requested."

Olivia was about to speak but was cut off.

"I am not expecting anything from you here, I would just like a moment of your time. I know I can't come in but maybe you could come out here... or we could go somewhere neutral and just talk?"

"Just talk?" Olivia asked as if they were the most asinine two words she had ever heard.

"Just talk."

"Natalia..." Olivia took a deep breath. "You and I can't possibly attempt a 'Let's just forget about what happened' conversation and move on to a 'Where were we?' one." Her tone softened somewhat but her eyes remained angry. "Because 'Where were we?' will always take us back to an argument, or a power struggle... or a heated embrace. All three of which occurred simultaneously in your office this morning when you put your hand in my pants."

Natalia shifted her weight to her other foot and folded her hands in front of her as Olivia continued.

"We both knew what that was, Natalia. You simply reiterated it for dramatic effect. Good for you! Point taken. There is nothing left to say."

"I didn't say that I wanted to forget about it." Natalia said slow and quietly to the ground, before once again meeting the other woman's eyes.

Olivia didn't know how to respond to that sentence, said in that tone… with that look. She folded her arms and leaned against the door frame. "Are you saying that you enjoyed it as much as I obviously did?"

"You know the answer to that."

Olivia paused.

"How long did it take before you washed the rest of me off your hand?"

Natalia had no choice but to look back down to the ground.

"How long could you still smell me there?"

"Spencer..."

"Is it that you miss it? Is that why you are here?"

Natalia didn't answer. She only closed her eyes and bit her lip as Olivia walked back into her room, leaving the door wide open. A few seconds later she returned, and the younger women opened her eyes just in time to see the shirt that Olivia had been wearing this morning being thrown at her chest. She caught it and looked up into the fierce gaze of Olivia's fiery eyes.

"I'm afraid that's the best I can do. Enjoy. You can return it to me when you are done with it... preferably dry-cleaned." She went to turn into the room.

"Spencer, stop it..."

"I will contact you when I am ready. Until then, leave me the fuck alone! Do you understand?"

Natalia gave slight nod of agreement and with that Olivia closed the door for the last time.

The brunette stood there, staring down at the emblem of shame; at one time Olivia's... but now her own.